Home is not that easy

I really thought, I would have more time and energy when we finally got home. Boy was I wrong. Don't get me wrong, I am soooo happy to be home. I'm just more tired now, then I was when Sydney was in the hospital.  Doesn't make sense...does it.?  I think there are many factors involved right now.  We had a team of people (docs, nurses and round the clock family/friends) taking care of Sydney.  Now, it is just us taking care of Sydney.  I guess I am more nervous, worrying about everything, checking on her all night long, worried about forgetting to give her meds, making sure Aubrey is adjusting to all of this, the emotions I have inside about what we just went through and all of the "what if's" that still lie ahead.  Maybe I am over thinking it?  I know we are not alone...that's not it.  It's not that we don't have people willing to help.  I just feel inside like I am a disaster right now.  I have cried on and off all day long...just trying to release all of these emotions; emotions I have inside that I can't put words to.  I do have wonderful feeling too.  I have my family back together.  This is amazing!  To be able to cuddle up with my two girls, read books, hold hands, and get kisses, is more than I could ask for.  Maybe, it is just safe for me now, to finally fall apart.

On a more brighter note, I want to thank so many of you for your help.  It really takes a "village to raise a child"....especially a heart child.  We could not do any of this without your help.  I cannot begin to express how lucky we feel to have you all.

Sydney seems to be doing better and better everyday.  Her coloring is getting better.  She looked so pale (not her lips, hands and feet....they are pink!) when she came home.  Her sats at night have been ranging 83-86 while resting/sleeping.  I hope this will improve. Sydney is still very traumatized from everything she has had to go through.  Syd is afraid of everything. It breaks my heart.  Everyday she gets a little better, and I get to see her little personality shine back through.  She hides behind me when we go to the bus, or hides her face if someone speaks to her, no hugs for others loved except for mommy, daddy and Aubrey.  Even a loved shower is scary to her now.

The Davis household is still on lock down...but I did let Claire (Sydney's best friend and heart friend) come over and play today. I could not believe how happy and perky Sydney looked playing with "Carebear".  They ended up "running" around playing chase.  Sydney did get fussy a few times today, so I gave her some Tylenol, for some of the "deep pain" the doc's said she would have from surgery. It was uplifting to see her...just be Sydney.

Sorry about the rambling and the emotional out pour, but I found it to be a little helpful to give my feelings a voice.  I am ok....we all will be.